metro what?

Tonight my girlfriend and I are going to a fancy schmantzy New York City red carpet movie premiere. There will be a couple of celebrities and far too many photographers present. I paid a lot of money for our two tickets. And today I feel ashamed for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is the obvious guilt over being so shallow that I paid a large sum of money to eat popcorn with celebrities. Fortunately, the tickets were bought at a silent auction that benefits an organization that I like. However, I did not buy the tickets because I wanted to support the organization. I bought the tickets because I am shallow.

The second reason I feel shame is much more difficult to confess. I'll just say it. I have been so obsessed over what to wear over this damned event that I do not deserve to keep my penis.

My obsession has come in stages. At first it was 'cute giggly little girl' stage. I was excited about the prospect of buying really cool clothes. You know what I mean; the clothes you see celebrities wearing in magazines that you are too self conscious (and too practical) to buy for yourself. In this case: hipster expensive jeans, funky shoes, casual blazer and colored ironic t-shirt to wear underneath.

However, once I started shopping, the cute stage gave way to something much more scary. I immediately slipped into 'obsessive and paranoid teenage girl' phase. I could not find anything I wanted. I went to 8 stores in a multi-hour day of shopping with my saintly girlfriend who never once made fun of me. And I could not find a blazer. Where are all the blazers?? I see them all the time at H & M! Finally I purchased the one blazer I could find, but I immediately panicked about it. Was it the right kind of blazer to go with funky jeans? Was it the right color? Did I pay too much? Should I have spent more money and got a better one?

After sitting on it a few days, I started to regress into 'whinny/crabby self-obsessed pre-teen girl' phase. Did I even like the jacket? Where can I find the right colored t-shirt to go with it? Nothing matches! Is my potbelly too big? It IS too big! I'm TOTALLY going on a diet. Shut up! I'm not eating today. I have to find a tight t-shirt or the jacket won't look good. I'm going for a long run today. It's hopeless! I'm ugly. Should I stuff my bra?

When my girlfriend had to go out of town, I even consulted one of my guy friends and asked him to shop with me. He said yes, because he understands my pain. Or at least pretends to. We ended up emailing each other about clothing all week. We were both so embarrassed about this fact that we referred to each other as 'dude' multiple times in each email to remind ourselves that we are not gay.

And then finally, at church yesterday, I re-centered and realized how ridiculously materialistic and obsessive I have been. I decided to return the jacket, because I never liked it and would have never worn it again after tonight. In it's place I bought a nice, practical shirt that I will wear again, for $20 less.

However, in full disclosure, I did stare at my buddy's ass with him while we tried to decide whether or not he should buy a particularly expensive pair of jeans. ...It is about progress folks, not perfection.

Even so, after the premiere tonight I plan to drink three beers and then make out with my hot girlfriend for a little bit. Never hurts.

blog name

To copycat my friend Shannon, (which is how this blog initially came into existence) I thought I'd comment on my blog's name. It comes from a 'you had to be there' moment. I state this only so that your expectations for hilariosity (or mere chortleosity) will be, well, lessened.

Just for sheets and giggles, let's play choose your own adventure. The history of farmer pants (he's in my genes!) is as follows:

a) an awkward night of camping, ala brokeback mountain, while interning in san francisco during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in college

b) while visiting my grandparents in nebraska last summer, i awoke one morning to find that i had misplaced my new $79 pair of uniquely dark washed/strategically shredded Lucky jeans. only to discover that my grandfather, who rises at 4:30 to perform his daily farm chores, had mistakenly pulled my jeans from the dryer when he dressed that morning. and then later in the day returned with fresh pig poo 'dingling' from his (my) pant legs

c) while visiting my friends 'the charming sharmans' in costa rica last summer, i characteristically made a non-segue comment about feeling at peace in the country by stating, "there is a farmer in my genes." which was followed by howling laughter and cheryl sharman exclaiming, "you said there was a little farmer man in your pants!"

d) an inexplicable conversation about the skills listed at the bottom of my own personal "superhero/alter ego" resume

e) having eaten quickly at mcdonald's one clear day in virgina last fall, and then going for a light jog on a wilderness path with my brother, i subsequently realized that i had "gambled and lost"

f) your own funnier story that i will steal and use as my own